Dec 09
11
Zombie Survival Guide
I found this on the internet (the template is here), and thought it would be a fun way to blow a little bit of post-finals time.
The rationale behind my choices*:
Last Words: Yeah. You know me. The end of the world is probably a bad time to have horrible A.D.D.
Sidekick: Since zombies aren’t real, I think it’s safe to assume that my zombie apocalypse would be like a movie or a comic book. In any decent zombie movie, my real family would have died tragically, leaving me a tortured loner who screams a lot and takes reckless chances because I don’t care if I live or die. In the second reel, I would meet Stoya (don’t google her from work, folks), the cynical stripper with a heart of gold…
Location: Hawaii seems like a good choice. It has a relatively low population, so we could just show up on a boat with enough ammo to clear a foothold on one of the smaller islands and set up a defensive perimeter. We would venture out to the larger islands as supplies (or the plot) demanded. It’s beautiful, rich in natural resources, we wouldn’t have to worry about freezing to death, and it would provide a nice destination for the physical journey that symbolizes our character development throughout the film.
Stronghold: A cave with a main entrance and a concealed back exit. Easily defensible, cozy, and with impermeable walls; a nice three-bedroom, split-level cave located in a good school district is the perfect stronghold for riding out the end of the world.
Vehicle: You can keep your hardened-coffin F-450 pickups – I am a dude who favors speed and agility. If there are zombies, I want to be able to move. Besides, it ain’t like the 7-11 is just gonna get another shipment of gasoline next Tuesday. All of a sudden “energy conservation” would take on a whole new meaning. Oh, and hell yes, it’s a Honda. This is the zombie apocalypse. I need something I can count on.
Clothing and Footwear: Leather and denim, lots of zippers and pockets. Unimaginative, but functional.
Main Weapon: Once the island is clear, the danger will not be waves of attack by massed zombies, it will be surprise encounters at relatively close range. Thus, the twin Springfield Armory custom .45′s are in the “Main Weapon” slot. They’re reliable and accurate, they hit like a hammer, and they hold a decent amount of ammo.
Secondary Weapon: The M-4 with the grenade launcher will be handy for clearing zombies, and would be the weapon of choice should we screw up so badly we find ourselves making a stand against multiple attackers at range. The secondary-secondary weapon is my Marine NCO sword, because the classics never go out of style.
Inventory: Wild Turkey and Marlboros, because cirrhosis and lung cancer would be merciful at that point. A simple, good knife is probably the most essential tool of survival in mankind’s history, and the Ka-Bar is without peer. Claymore mines because, well, they’re claymore mines. If you don’t know why a fella needs claymore mines during the zombie apocalypse, you might as well just lie down in the road and cover yourself with steak sauce right now. Also, the comm wire. Comm wire is to a defensive perimeter what Ka-bars are to combat knives.
Battle Anthem: It’s at the top of the playlist in my right sidebar. If I’m zipping around on a motorcycle blasting zombies John Woo style, this is the song I want playing.
* There are web sites and books and all kinds of places where autistic nerds expend endless amounts of energy compiling endlessly-debated and exhaustively-detailed plans for a zombie invasion that’s never gonna happen. This ain’t one of those places. I’m just killing some time until the booze takes such a toll on my fine motor skills that I am no longer able to sdjm.,mkkkkk;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;…………
