Rob’s Rules of Order

A Blueprint for a Better World

You are Entitled to Your Opinion, Now Shut the Hell Up

1. Everyone’s Opinion is Not Equal

Opinions regarding matters of opinion are equal. Opinions regarding matters of fact are not.

Your opinion about flavors of ice cream is equal to Stephen Hawking’s.

Your opinion about the electromagnetic output of a quasar is not, so shut the hell up.

2. Scientists Are Better Than You

Those letters after homey’s name mean that he spent decades studying and working in his chosen field – amassing knowledge, interpreting data, consulting with colleagues, interpreting their data, attending conferences, presenting research, and just generally being fucking smart.

You can barely spell “Google”, so shut the hell up.

3. Opinions Should Reflect Reality

If you not only willingly admit that you can’t be swayed by evidence, but you are somehow proud of that, then you are completely dissociated from reality. Or you’re stupid.

Either way, quit pissing in my public discourse and shut the hell up.

4. Anecdotal Evidence is Not

A team of experts conducted a longitudinal study to gather data and then interpreted it using complex statistical tools. They put their careers and reputations on the line by publishing the results, which were reviewed and analyzed by equally-knowledgeable colleagues who stood to gain by picking that data apart. The research made it through the gauntlet of peer review intact, and is now officially endorsed by one of the most respected and influential organizations of professionals who have spent their lives working in the field.

That research is not trumped by something you saw your Uncle Skeeter do this one time down at the Super-S Mart while alla y’all were staying at Gramma Tilly’s that one summer, so shut the hell up.

5. Consider the Source

The New York Times is better than some “grassroots” organization’s blog that’s still using animated .gifs in 2009

I’m sorry, it just is. Shut the hell up.

Get the Hell Out of My Way: An Illustrated Guide

The collective I.Q. of any group shopping in public is directly proportional to the speed at which they shop and inversely proportional to the amount of space they take up in the aisle.

Rob's Rules of Order Number 6

Rob’s Rule

“Rob’s Rule” is a simple mathematical formula that, when correctly applied, describes every function of the universe:

x + y = z
(given appropriate values for x, y, and z)