I used to be a semi-professional body builder and former running back for the San Diego Chargers, but I gave it up to become a Navy S.E.A.L. counter-terrorism operative.

I have a Harvard law degree and a Ph.D in microbiology from Yale. My day job involves anti-cancer research on monoclonal antibodies, but in my spare time I enjoy doing pro bono legal work on behalf of homeless orphans and abused puppies.

I drive a convertible Mercedes-Benz SLK55 (unless it’s raining – then I take the Hummer with the spinning rims and wet bar in the back.) My credit accounts are not gold or platinum – they are rhodium. I have a penthouse in Monte Carlo, a private villa in Puerto Vallarta, a two-story yurt in upper Mongolia, and a timeshare suite in Hef’s mansion. Also, the Luxor casino resort in Las Vegas – the whole thing – it’s mine.

I like to drink red wine and play classical Spanish guitar in the moonlight, and my hauntingly beautiful love poetry moves old women to tears. Two of my paintings were hung in the Louvre, but they moved them to make room for some Picassos. I can make the world’s greatest creme brulee with nothing but the milk out of some kid’s school lunch, a little bit of Cool Whip, and a cigarette lighter. I’m the guy who taught Ansel Adams what an f-stop is.

Dr. Ruth comes to me for advice. I am so extraordinarily immense that the crotch of my jeans has to be custom tailored, at great expense, to accommodate me. My tongue is double jointed.

I know every constellation.

I have computer hacking skills, bo staff skills, and nunchuk skills (girls like guys with skills.)

I am fluent in all of the Romance languages. I am conversant in Russian, Mandarin, and Swahili. I know a smattering of Sanskrit and Urdu. I speak just enough Farsi to creatively insult your mother and all of her ancestors.

Sometimes I stretch the truth. (A little.)

I am fun, though.

Trust me.

If you want to shout back at me, please drop me an e-mail.

Follow me on Twitter. (I mostly use it to post links to awesome stuff and announce when I’ve updated my blog – I won’t crapflood you with lameness.)

Friend me on Facebook.

My Pandora stations will give you an idea of what I’m listening to.

I have a Myspace account, but I don’t really use it (because I’m not a 14-year old girl).